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4 Sweet-@$$ Superpowers Every Writer Has in Common

Hey, all you writers out there. Feeling bored? Feeling unexceptional? Like your life is nothing but a lost balloon floating idly through the gray sky, waiting for the day it will run out of air and finally pop? Yes?



WELL DON'T FEEL THAT WAY! Geesh. Because you know what? You are special. You have special powers. You might think that only fictional characters get to wake up one morning and realize they have the power to shoot vampire-killing webs out of their eyes and look sexy in latex while doing it, or whatever. But no! You have ~*~special abilities~*~ too. And I'm here to fill you in on what the government and/or your parents have never told you.

Don't want to believe me? I promise the latex is optional. Still don't believe me? Just read on. Because the truth is, all writers have...

4. The Ability to Be in Two Places at Once

There's this thing called Daydreaming, which any old normal person can do. But in the case of writers like you, I prefer to apply a more accurate term: Inter-Universal Psychic Teleportation. Why's this? Well, most people daydream for a few minutes a day, about their childhood pet cat or pizza or what they're going to say at the next business meeting or whatever.

But when you, a writer, daydream about your story, you are actually existing in another world, a place made up of completely separate people, environments, dangers and ideas. Ha! Who "stays inside all day" now?

3. The Ability to Bend Time and Space
Scenario: It's 10PM, and you've been writing for a while. You know you should go to bed soon. But this chapter is so close to being finished. And you just need to make a couple revisions. And wouldn't this part be more interesting like this? And maybe you shouldn't describe the setting that way, but this way. And wow, wouldn't it be sweet if the main character did this? And then this character would say this. Ha ha ha, awesome. Wait a second, that conflicts with the last chapter, so gotta go back and fix that. Okay, almost done. Almost. Done! Time for be--IT'S 1AM???
Do you see what I mean? Congratulations, o Great One. You have the genuine power to speed up time (and slow down time, if we're talking about staring endlessly at The Blank Page). Just don't use your talents for evil. Like depriving yourself of sleep, social interaction and basic hygiene practices until you've aged prematurely and your eyeballs fall out of your head.

2. The Ability to Create, Destroy, and Alter People and Worlds With Little to No Effort*

This one's pretty self-explanatory.

1. The Ability to Control Other People's Minds
"I laughed, I cried, I gasped, I saw the light; this novel has changed me forever."
"I stayed up until sunrise to finish this incredible work of art."
"This book annoyed me so much I tore it into pieces and threw it out the window."**
Just look at these made-up reviews of your writing! Notice anything? Let's face it. When you write, and specifically when others read what you write, you are reaching your hands into their minds and making them feel things. Think things. Believe things. Sometimes even DO things. And you, o Great One, don't even have to be anywhere near them.

So next time there's a villain in your life who you want to vanquish, here's what to do: start secretly placing chapters of your writing in their mailbox. Get them to fall in love, slowly, with your characters... THEN KILL EVERYBODY AND THE DOG IN THE WORST WAY POSSIBLE (don't worry, you don't have to put this in the published version). Next time you see your villain, ask them why their eyes are so red and puffy and why they're rocking back and forth in the corner. Smile slightly as they tell you.

So, do you feel sufficiently super now? I hope so! Cheers, and remember, with great power comes great responsibility. So write a great book, gosh damnit.

*Unless you count the incredible emotional effort involved in killing off a beloved character. Not even a god can deal with those feels.
**Okay, not exactly a compliment, this one. But the fact is, if someone ever says this to you, you've still managed to manipulate their emotional and physical state with your psychic mind-powers. That's cool.
Emilia Plater

Emilia is a YA author who avoids studying, food that isn't covered in cheese, and waking up before 10:30AM whenever possible. A bundle of confusions.

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  1. What a fun post! I love it. Thanks for sharing! :)

  2. Great post! It has definitely given me some life :)

  3. Love this!!!!
    Tomorrow is Monday, and I really don't want to go to work -- but I have to. So I'll be exercising Superpower #4 quite a bit.

  4. Best most awesome post I read in a long looong time, thank you for this O‏ ‏‎ Clever one;)

  5. This was awesome. One of my favorites!


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Item Reviewed: 4 Sweet-@$$ Superpowers Every Writer Has in Common Rating: 5 Reviewed By: Emilia Plater