Take heart! Though you might feel you've single-handedly ruined the English language here are some examples sure to make you feel better. Sure, Snopes might've discovered that they were entries in the Washington Post's Style Invitational where writers are asked to purposefully come up with 'painfully bad' analogies. But they're guaranteed to give you a laugh!
"The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant."
"Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do."
"He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River."
"The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan might just work."
"John and Mary had never met. "They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met."
"Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze."
"The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't."