|I mean, they're asking for it, aren't they?|
1. Denial. You’re not angry with your novel. You never get angry with your novel. I mean, sure, you’d rather go smash garden gnomes than write one sentence of that flaw ridden piece of appallingness that will be rejected by every single agent in the world and also their dogs. But that doesn’t mean you’re angry.
2. Go looking for garden gnomes. Fail to find any.
3. Sit down in front of computer.
4. Open internet.
5. Discover that your novel’s genre is ‘on the way out at the moment’, according to [insert awesome publishing person].
6. Look for friends to rant to. No one is online. They are probably too busy being happy about their bright shiny projects and dancing in the sunshine and stuff.
7. Open novel document, GRRRBEFINISHEDALREADY.docx.
8. Reread most recent paragraph.
9. Delete most recent paragraph.
10. Write new paragraph.
11. Delete new paragraph.
12. Go for a walk around the house. Knock over any plants, chairs or small children that might be in your way.
13. No, you’re not stomping. Who said you were stomping? You are walking, with passion.
14. Decide to bake a cake.
15. Remove charred remains of cake from cake tin.
16. Lie on floor for a bit.
17. Contemplate brain transplant.
18. Realise that your computer is still on, and your novel is still waiting. Feel infuriated about how it just sits there waiting like that. Stupid passive aggressive novel.
19. Write new paragraph.
20. Watch something exploding on youtube.
21. Reread new paragraph. It is ghastly.
22. Yell at novel and also at universe.
23. Notice that friends are online.
24. Consider sharing woes with them, even though they’re probably all having amazing days of unsurpassed manic productiveness.
25. Break down and have huge rant. Let out breath you didn’t know you’d been holding.
26. Your friends think that your novel is fine. Fantastic, in fact.
27. One of your friends is having an appalling day. She is planning on deleting her entire novel and blowing up her computer.
28. Talk her out of this immediately. Her novel is frickin incredible.
29. Reread ghastly paragraph. It’s somehow ceased to be ghastly. You haven’t changed anything.
30. Look around room for ghosts who could have changed your paragraph.
31. Write next paragraph.
32. This isn’t horrible either. There must be something wrong.
33. Keep writing.