"Such displays of emotion make for great television. But think of what the tributes might do! Start running around hugging and playing nice with the Tracker Jackers? The games would be ruined!"
The Capitol's very own Cinna is seeing the effects of the blockbuster movie. New York's catwalks are alive with some fashions giving homage to the beautiful creations our tributes wear.
The Hunger Games frenzy has even attracted the attention of local political commentators.
Infuriated over rumors that the "star-crossed" love affair between Katniss and Peeta is false and meant only to evoke sympathy from viewers, Rush Limbaugh has ordered Katniss to release a sex tape.
"She's violating the rules and integrity of these great games," Limbaugh stated. "She's clearly using sex to win. She's a slut. My tax dollars fund these games – if this is how she's going to play, I demand she tape her sexual activities and upload them online."
When asked whether Peeta, too, should be faulted or punished in any way, the pundit had no comment.
Everyone here in the capitol wishes to send our warmest thanks to Summit Entertainment for seeing the error of their ways by attempting to capture the quiet strength and steadfast guidance of Panem's citizens without conferring with us, the source, first. However, just a few Tracker Jackers later and we have assurance that the only things sparkling in our movie portrayal will be the costumes on our tributes.
Gamemakers have also announced a new challenge for future games. Far more dangerous than muttations, competitors will now be facing angry hordes of invasive vaginal wands. The choice may seem sexist at first glance, but Gamemakers have assured the public that male and female competitors will be treated equally. "It's a non-issue," said one wand when asked for comment. "Despite our name, we aren't too particular about which orifice we violate."
For a chance to win the Hunger Games (Songs from District 12 and Beyond) Soundtrack, leave a comment below telling us who your favorite Hunger Games character is along with an email address for us to contact you. Deadline is April 7th. Winner chosen randomly during The Reaping.