eBook Overlords Arrive in Manhattan: Pre-Orders for Apple's iDiaper Skyrockets

Just two days before the official release of Apple's iPad, the device that is rumored to be the End of Publishing as We Know It, the eBook Overlords we have been warned about landed in Central Park this morning, making the beast from Cloverfield look like Cookie Monster with an attitude problem.

The overlords, who wish to be referred to as the Illusory Paper Article Destroyers (IPAD, ironically), responded violently to initial peace offerings by destroying Nathan Bransford's blog, throwing the industry into complete turmoil.

Moments later, the IPADs took aim at The Query Shark, blasting the blog to bits in a gory explosion of advice, chum and snark.

"We are in a state of shock," said John Hoaks, president of the National Association of Fiction Novelists. "It's a dark, dark day for those of us writing fiction novels."

Indeed, in the minutes following the carnage, writers were seen wandering down 5th avenue, asking strangers for help on their queries.

"Lady offered me twenty bucks to read a synopsis for some book about a vampire moose," admitted Mark Notreel, hot dog vendor at Madison and East 57th. "And you know what? It was a damn good love story."


The IPADs moved methodically, annihilating PubRants, Rants & Ramblings, and The Swivet one after the other. Then they moved from blogs to forums, where they encountered what was ultimately their downfall: the soldiers of Absolute Write. Leader MacAllister Stone (pictured right) had only one comment:

"Not on my watch, [censored]."

The AW battalion was ruthless, utilizing everything from sticks and stones to squirrels armed with rifles to put a brutal end to the IPAD massacre. At last, only one IPAD remained.

"Sonufabitch went right for my throat," said Jenny Feaux, author of #1 best-seller and Nobel prize-winning novel Sex and Stormtroopers. "Thought I was a goner. Then I saw her – the Shark."

Agent Janet Reid, who had been biding her time in her sharkly Hudson River lair, took the last IPAD down in a flurry of fins and razor sharp teeth. She vanished in a pool of white light and angelic choral singing before she could be reached for comment.

The IPADs may be gone, but the damage remains. Will fiction novelists find the query help they seek? Will this be the beginning of an onslaught of rhetorical questions? Will the publishing industry pick up the pieces?

Only time will tell.

humor michelle schusterman news Thursday, April 01, 2010