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eBook Overlords Arrive in Manhattan: Pre-Orders for Apple's iDiaper Skyrockets


Just two days before the official release of Apple's iPad, the device that is rumored to be the End of Publishing as We Know It, the eBook Overlords we have been warned about landed in Central Park this morning, making the beast from Cloverfield look like Cookie Monster with an attitude problem.

The overlords, who wish to be referred to as the Illusory Paper Article Destroyers (IPAD, ironically), responded violently to initial peace offerings by destroying Nathan Bransford's blog, throwing the industry into complete turmoil.

Moments later, the IPADs took aim at The Query Shark, blasting the blog to bits in a gory explosion of advice, chum and snark.

"We are in a state of shock," said John Hoaks, president of the National Association of Fiction Novelists. "It's a dark, dark day for those of us writing fiction novels."

Indeed, in the minutes following the carnage, writers were seen wandering down 5th avenue, asking strangers for help on their queries.

"Lady offered me twenty bucks to read a synopsis for some book about a vampire moose," admitted Mark Notreel, hot dog vendor at Madison and East 57th. "And you know what? It was a damn good love story."


The IPADs moved methodically, annihilating PubRants, Rants & Ramblings, and The Swivet one after the other. Then they moved from blogs to forums, where they encountered what was ultimately their downfall: the soldiers of Absolute Write. Leader MacAllister Stone (pictured right) had only one comment:

"Not on my watch, [censored]."

The AW battalion was ruthless, utilizing everything from sticks and stones to squirrels armed with rifles to put a brutal end to the IPAD massacre. At last, only one IPAD remained.

"Sonufabitch went right for my throat," said Jenny Feaux, author of #1 best-seller and Nobel prize-winning novel Sex and Stormtroopers. "Thought I was a goner. Then I saw her – the Shark."

Agent Janet Reid, who had been biding her time in her sharkly Hudson River lair, took the last IPAD down in a flurry of fins and razor sharp teeth. She vanished in a pool of white light and angelic choral singing before she could be reached for comment.

The IPADs may be gone, but the damage remains. Will fiction novelists find the query help they seek? Will this be the beginning of an onslaught of rhetorical questions? Will the publishing industry pick up the pieces?

Only time will tell.
Michelle Schusterman

Michelle writes books for kids, screenplays for a tv/film production company, and music for anyone who'd buy a "groove matters" bumper sticker. She lives in New York City with her husband (and band mate) and their chocolate lab (who is more of a vocalist). She is the author of middle grade series I Heart Band - 2014, and The Kat Sinclair Files - 2015 (both from Grosset).

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23 comments:

  1. I'll bring something borrowed and something blue to LA.... :P

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  2. If you marry me first, I'll bake you brownies.

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  3. I'M CHOKING ON MY OWN EXISTENCE I'M LAUGHING SO HARD.

    that. was. hilarity at its BEST. ITS BEST!

    FORGET KATE AND V -- MARRY MEE!! MARRY MEEEEE!!

    please?

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  4. OOOH, CHOISESSS...

    *waits for gaudiest ring*



    (seriously, love you guys. thanks so much!!!)

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  5. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  6. All bow to the greatness that is MISCHU!!!

    OMG that was hilarious!!

    (Trying again cause apparently I can't spell before 7 AM!)

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  7. HEY!
    I've just spat herbal tea all over my keyboard (and it's got honey in it and sticky as heck)!!
    You owe me a new one! Ha ha - hysterical.
    THANKS for the laughter therapy!

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  8. Hysterical, absolutely awesome!

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  9. This is me:

    http://funny.brienergy.com/wp-content/uploads/rotfl.jpg

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  10. I shed a tear. And I kept it. For you.
    You are AWESOME.

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  11. This is [censored] totally awesome.

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  12. Step aside Kate, I have my fishy eye on the delectable morsel that is Michelle.

    However, I could be sidetracked by one of the funniest LOL lines ever: "I'm choking on my own existence I'm laughing so hard."

    you all are making it damn hard to crush hopes and dreams today.

    I hope you're happy now!!

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  13. I cannot wait to attend michelle's wedding this summer, whoever the brides turn out to be. #bridefightformi_schu
    too bad ridiculous calfornians outlawed such marriages, because I would SO be there with a basketful of glitter.

    *was one of the non-ridiculous californians*

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  14. Group wedding in LA!!!
    Best post ever, Michelle :)

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  15. Much like Cylons, the e-book overlords had been living among us, all the while plotting our demise. They have won this battle, but they shall not win the war!!!

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  16. Man, first I lose Tahereh to the Rejectionist and now I've lost Michelle to the Shark. What a week.

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  17. I AM STILL YOURS KATE.

    Michelle, seriously, you're funny as he'll :)) <3

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  18. Yeah, this was me reading this post.

    http://bit.ly/atLgIi

    ReplyDelete

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Item Reviewed: eBook Overlords Arrive in Manhattan: Pre-Orders for Apple's iDiaper Skyrockets Rating: 5 Reviewed By: Michelle Schusterman