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Manners Don't End Just Because You Hit Send


The KISS MY ICE query is off! It's a race to see which agents (there WILL be more than one) will snatch up this winner first. Even so, Writer has a list with that number one agent who reps dozens of Writer's favorite authors written in bold, colored ink at the top. Agent Z is THE ONE. But as much as Writer feels it, Agent Z might have other ideas. Excuse to lose one's cool? Of course it is . . .

Agent Z: *opens query e-mail* Ha! Y'know, this might have some potential. And, ooo, Klondike bars ARE so good, even if it is a rhetorical question. I'm going to take hours of my time to not only read portions of the ms, but to also make some suggestions that would make it better. FOR FREE!

Writer: *bouncing up and down and refreshing e-mail every three seconds* Oooohhh, I know she's gonna love KISS MY ICE. It's the most amazing thing since cartwheels!! Squeeeeeee!!!

Agent Z: *hours later, deep breath* Okay, I'm gonna shoot off these suggestions now. I hope writer takes it well. *pushes send*

Writer: OMG!!! AN EMAIL!! IT'S AN OFFER SHE’S ALREADY SOLD IT FOR A MILLION I KNOW IT!!!!

Agent Z: *gets back to work*

Writer: *reads e-mail*

Agent Z: *sings merrily with woodland creatures*

Writer: *jawdrop* Wha-?

Agent Z: *sells multi-million dollar deal complete with world rights and film rights* Yay!

Writer: *simmering in basement at home* That squid! I outta . . .

Agent Z: *reads a handful of queries, passes on all with a hopeless sigh* Pot-smoking Pandas?
Really?

Writer: *typing furiously* . . . as if you're the last word on ANYTHING. As if you're the FIRST WORD, EITHER! You wouldn't know a great story if it hit you with a Tonka truck! Stupid, ungrateful, illiterate sack of flea bait! This is the next DANBROWNROWLINGMEYERKING masterpiece! Mom said so! Plotholes my arse! And who cares about the spelling?!?!? That's for the editors to take care of! Any good agent knows this! You are NOT A GOOD AGENT!! *hits send*

Agent Z: *checks e-mail* Oh, I wonder if Writer has made some beneficial chang-Wha-argh-ack!!

Agent Z: *considers flinging computer out of window*

Agent Z: *laughs instead* Delete!

Writer: I'm gonna send that agent some old fish! Except that means I have to leave the basement. Dangit. Where’s that . . . *shuffles paper around*

C U on the Shelves Agency: *ring, ring*

Intern: C U on the Shelves Agency, how can I help you?

Writer: Agent Z, stat.

Intern: Stat?

Writer: Don’t you watch medical dramas?

Intern: Nope. Those are on when I’m giving plasma. I have to pay rent somehow.

Writer: Whatever. Just get Agent Z on the line.

Intern: Are you currently a client?

Writer: Not yet. But you heard about the Patterson seventeen book deal? I got twenty in me. All million dollar books. No joke.

Intern: *checks ragged cuticles* Um, we don’t take calls from non-clients.

Writer: *smug* But I sent Klondike Bars.

Intern: smmmufflerggaffiedeitess

Writer: What?

Intern: Oh, sorry, just talking to someone in the office. Yeah, did you know that your Klondike package dripped chocolate-vanilla soup all over Agent Z’s antique silk rug? Yup, kinda ruined it.

Writer: *blink, blink* Just put Agent Z on the phone. My book’ll make her enough to build a time machine and go back to get another rug.

Intern: Uh, okay. But, sorry. She’s out swimming with dolphins. She’ll respond to your query if she’s interested.

Writer: Phone.

Intern: No.

Writer: You’re just an intern, right? Do you even know how to read?

Intern: ---

Writer: Like, could you even take a message if I gave you one? Can you write numbers?

Intern: You’ve never read The Intern, have you?

Writer: Whatever. Just give me Agent Z’s cell number. I’ll talk to her myself.

Intern: Seriously?

Writer: Or I could just Google it.

Intern: *drops phone into fish bowl* Oops!

Agent Z: Who was that?

Intern: *shrug*

Writer: *rots in basement*

Agent Z: *becomes star of literary world*

Moral of the story? There are two:
1) When sending agents Klondike bars, be sure to send them with lots of dry ice freezer packs. And overnight them.
2) Don't call agencies. Especially if there is a chance an intern will answer. Interns will flatten you.
Kristin Halbrook

Kristin Halbrook is the author of the critically-acclaimed young adult novels Nobody But Us (HarperTeen, 2013) and Every Last Promise (HarperTeen, 2015). She likes many things.

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8 comments:

  1. I love this! Except now I really want a Klondike bar. Anyone want to send me one? (With an ice pack please hehe).

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  2. ROFL. OMG, this was great. Fabulous. You really do have to learn not to take it personally, y'know? It's hard not to. I don't exactly have alligator skin yet, which is why I'm waiting to publish my series. I'd like to have a lot of Draven-followers watching my back before I peddle the goods again. LOL

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  3. I was LMAO until I saw you making fun of my new WIP. SING-SING THE STONER is going to be huge, I tell you!!!


    Awesome post, Kris. And the sad part is, I'm sure many interns have fielded calls not to far from this one!

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  4. Awesomeness lol. It makes me want to send interns flowers just to cheer them up (not to push my manuscript). I couldn't imagine dealing with this stuff all day.

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  5. oh so uncomfortably close to reality!

    you are a funny funny girl

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  6. Hilarious! Nicely done, Kristin :D

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  7. I TOLD you NOT to call the office ANYMORE! Geez, Kristin!






    :)

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  8. LOL, Joanna. But, but . . . what if I send cupcakes?!?!?!?

    ReplyDelete

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Item Reviewed: Manners Don't End Just Because You Hit Send Rating: 5 Reviewed By: Kristin Halbrook